There’s that cold sore. I am so so sick of being sick. And tired of being tired. I am still choosing faith and hope, and hope this will mean that Disney and the races themselves are going to be perfect and idyllic. As idyllic as running for 4+ hours can be. You know.
Something’s got to give. How many times have you said that? How many times have you heard that? How many times have you thought it? Is it even possible for a human to count that high? With the holidays, and work, and family, and running, and being sick for the last month I have been saying “something has got to give” to myself so much. This week I realized that something has. Once again, it’s me.
So, why is it always us? Mom. Wife. Why is it always US that breaks apart? We give everything we have to everything we are doing and for literally every woman I know, it’s always us that we shortchange. We never make work give. We sure as hell try not to let our kids be the ones to give, we don’t want our marriages to give but sometimes we let them. We regularly let our health and our sleep and our appearances give.
I don’t call out of work that much. Especially since MattHowk and I balance weird schedules, it’s often not necessary even when Wicket is sick. I just go, because I am supposed to. I don’t leave my laundry unfolded, or my kitchen uncleaned, or my child unfed. I power through my runs because my training plan tells me to even when my body feels like cement dragging it out of bed in the morning. Yesterday I woke up feeling just crappy. So even though I wasn’t “sick sick”, I didn’t go to work. I intended to rest after my run, and of course that didn’t happen.
I ran my first good, hard workout of this training cycle. I never had any intention of not running. I was supposed to run negative splits, and I rocked the crap out of it. My first mile was 9:59, and I incrementally worked down to my final mile of 8:27. It was hard, but it felt GREAT. BUT, I noticed that my recovery time predictor on my Garmin watch was really high. MattHowk had a hard few long nights at work, so I also ended up taking Wicket to school AND picking him up, then I made applesauce when I got home, then a pizza. Lots of standing and limited resting, but Wicket and I did go to bed at 6:30pm.
I literally just wrote about how I fell straight back into my bad habits that got me injured, without even realizing it. Being sick has not helped that one bit, and is absolutely one of those things. I was resisting going back to the doctor because they already told me it was viral, but I’m just so exhausted at this point my boss kicked me out when I went back to work today and made me go to the doctor.
If I am still coughing and unable to breathe, especially during exercise, after 3-5 days I am supposed to go back for asthma testing. The silver lining here is that FNP I met with today runs marathons too, and said she wasn’t even going to bother trying to tell me to stop running. She said if I’ve powered through so far it’s unlikely to get worse now that I am on meds. I laughed.
Here’s the thing. Powering through and checking off all my boxes, I wasn’t actually giving anything the attention or service it deserved. I have been exhausted and cranky at work, resulting in me being literally incapable of being kind or patient with my students. I have also been a super impatient and snappy mom, and have been unloading a lot on my husband about how cluttered and overwhelmed I feel. I am sure that’s super fun for that poor, awesome, patient guy.
NO ONE WINS when we shortchange ourselves. MOM CANNOT GO DOWN. The whole operation falls apart when we go down. Why are we as women so ok with letting ourselves be last? We KNOW we do so much physical and mental work that we’re vital. Is it societal? I feel like it is. But just because it’s always been the case, doesn’t mean it needs to always be the case. Guilt is an incredible force that rules me and my life and I am SURE that most women I know are the same.
Let’s vow together to cut that shit out. Knock it off. It’s good for everyone if we are rested, and healthy, and happy. Everyone likes being around happy people, especially the people who like us and rely on us the most. It’s good for our husbands and kids to see us achieving our goals and making it all work, but nothing works if we are depleted.
I am amending my goal from the other day. I need to be whole and recovered both physically and mentally. Badass women are SO much cooler and more fun than sick, hacking women coughing themselves to barfing in the kitchen sink.